In high school, I was very anti-dating. I didn’t really want anything to do with boys, they caused drama and changed my friends when they entered relationships with them. Sure I flirted as much as the next 17 year old girl, but they just weren’t for me. I kinda did whatever I pleased for my entire freshman year of college with boys I like here and there, but nothing ever serious.
By the summer after Freshman year, I had my first boyfriend who was kind and sweet and everything I thought I wanted. 7 months later I found myself trying to figure out ways to get out of the relationship because I just wanted to be single. I didn’t like having to answer to someone or check-in with someone or having that person get jealous when I hung out with my guy friends. So again by the end of my sophomore year, I was just doing what I pleased. I dated a guy who ultimately ended up cheating on me, which hurt more than the actual relationship ending. I had lots of other guys that I was “seeing” throughout college, but nothing ever serious. My ex and I gave it another go my senior year, with it ending just 3 short months later. Even after him telling me he “just wasn’t in love with me anymore” I had a second of hurt and then returned to being single and just doing what I wanted. After senior year, I dated another guy which ended brutally because he was friends with my ex. Another boyfriend here and there and “talking” to some guy a state away for 3 months, I’ve found myself in yet a relationship type of situation. I’ve been seeing this guy for about a month, after my 3 month conversation with my dream man ended.
I’ve never been the relationship type, but this guy I am seeing is. He has had three serious girlfriends all lasting over two years. Bottomline, that scares the hell out of me. I’m super happy when I’m with him and we have a lot of fun, but when we’re not I don’t really want to talk to him every second of the day or even find it annoying when he texts me again after getting no response from me. So, five weeks in I’m already second guessing myself. Is this what I want? Am I settling? Am I too far into whatever this is to back away now?
Yesterday’s brunch with two of my Cleveland transplant friends really has me thinking even more than before. I trust these girls with all my problems and concerns even though I’ve only known them a short while. Both similar to me in relationships, the willingness to be independent, ambitious in their careers and overall personalities. Both of them had me thinking that this is not the time for me to be in a relationship of any sort. One of them even said, “Maybe it’s time to stay away from boys for a little.”
I am ok with being alone, but I have never not been connected to someone. Always having someone to text, someone who will always want to answer my calls, someone who is awaiting my texts or calls. Essentially, I need to disconnect myself from the dating world and be by myself. I need to be my 17 year old self with a text message limit and the strong desire to be independent.